Full Time Everything

If I were to write a little update on us I would say something like...being a full-time mom + being a full-time student = not enough hours in the day to clean your house or work out at the gym or fix healthy meals or do any fun fall crafts or go on "girls trip" to Washington D.C.! I tell Miles everyday that this is my last semester for sure! But then I get this knot in my stomach that tells me I NEED to graduate! Confession: I have been going to college since I WAS 16 YEARS OLD!!! You would think that would have been an advantage to graduating early right?! Why have a not graduated then? It's a long story, but to say the least I went to George Wythe (non accredited) for about 3 years, traveled a ton, and started at a university pretty late. To finish or not to finish...is the hardest question ever! BUT if you are like me, you probably skipped this whole paragraph and went straight the pictures of the cutest baby ever!

So an update on Winn: He got his first haircut because it was getting so shaggy around the ears that I kept tucking it behind them. Miles said it made him look like a girl, to which I disagreed but cut it anyway. He is certainly sooooo handsome! He has the army crawl down to a T and is just figuring out how to crawl on his hands and knees (until he figures he can get to a dangerous object faster by doing the army crawl.) He still only has two teeth, but still drools like a fat kid looking at a twinkie! He will probably grow up to be a huge flirt (just like his dad) because he will smile, giggle, and jibber jabber at every women that looks at him at the store. He is an extremely happy and social baby! However, his claim to fame is his growl! He is constantly growling and then laughing at himself. It makes for some good humor during church, or at the store, or IN HIS SLEEP, or when he is playing with his friends... I'll try to get a video of it. He won't eat fruit, only squash and green beans. His favorite toys are plugs, plastic sacks, and sucking on shoes (of course I don't let him.) And his daddy is still his best friend. I sure love having this bundle of joy in my life and couldn't imagine our lives any happier!

This is how he will put his binki in his mouth to crawl across the room. Cant leave it behind!!! Daddy teaching him young

Falling asleep to accounting...can you blame him?

Preparing for winter All clean!

SUPER-mom!!!

What does a super mom look like to you?

Clean house

Homecooked healthy meals

Takes care of herself

Faithful with prayers and scripture study

Supports her husband

Has a schedule

Crafty and creative

Drives a Honda CRV

Plays the piano

Serves all around her

Puts her family first

Practices new hobbies

Wears an apron...yada yada yada

"If only" right? Well today I am grateful for my mom, who in my eyes IS super-mom. She came down to visit here last week and it was HEAVEN!!! While she was here we had a lot of time to talk and go on walks which is basically my favorite thing to do on Summer evenings. We made some super delicious new meals...LIKE...Toasted Ravioli with homemade marinara sauce, BOMB meatloaf (I don't really like meatloaf...but this was amazing), and homemade pop-tarts. It was a very scrumptious week! My mom is also the best grandma to all of her grandchildren. She watched Winn while I went and got some studying done which was SOOOO helpful! I'm a good student when my mom's around, and definitely not a good student when she's gone. My mom LOVES learning, she loves the outdoor, she loves trying new things and staying busy. She is NOT lazy, she is NOT unhappy, and worst of all...she does NOT live close by me. She was suppose to be living exactly 15 minuets away but because of her amazing-ness she is living with my sister in Washington who just lost her husband, and his helping her with her life and kids. Those kids love her and I think she is so wonderful for them in every way. She has dealt with so much the past couple of months and her life has taken a complete 180* turn and has kept a smile on her face and immovable faith in her life. Having said all of that, having her in my life makes this little guy means so much more to me. I never knew I could be so in love! I want him to have what I have, security, love, growth, kindness, confidence, truth...etc, etc, etc... I want to be a good MOM, and this week I feel like I missed the mark. Now I know every mom is not perfect, and it's easy to look at others and say, "I wish I was like that," or "I'm not as good as her." But what are the qualities you feel are most important or at least very important when it comes to being a mom? What makes you a good mom? What's on your list of "super-mom" traits? Really...I want to know!

A Train of thoughts....chooo chooo

So I was reading a friends blog the other day and she always makes a point of mentioning when she has accomplished something hard. Very inspiring. It got me thinking and coveting her idea. I really like the thought of having a theme or purpose to my blog rather than just a travel log or a journal entry. So I started thinking about stealing her idea and writing about hard things I've accomplished. I immediately got a lump in my throat thinking about how hard this summer was with the death of my brother-in-law. I was then taken back to the first couple days of the nightmare and remembered the pain and confusion and headaches and questions. Those were HARD days! I didn't know if it could really be counted as "accomplishing" something hard because it was VERY unwelcomed. Then it got me thinking...welcomed hard times vs. unwelcomed hard times and what is the difference...is there one? Anyway, this thought trailed to what I have gained from accomplishing all sorts of hard experiences or tasks in my life. Things from death to birth (giving birth is definitely one of the hardest thing I've ever done!), hiking tall mountains, taking hard classes, reaching out of my comfort zone, apologizing, forgiving, replacing fear with faith, and so on and so on. Life provides so many opportunities to grow and for that I am grateful. That's when it hit. From now on I will write about things that I am grateful for! I truly believe that when one expresses a sincere heartfelt "thanks" that the world is changed a little bit for the better. I can't really think of anything that would please the Lord more then if we were all to be a little more grateful in our lives for not only the good times but the hard ones too.

So I'm going to start us out with the cliche! I could not be more grateful for my family! My husband is so amazing! I don't know where I'd be without him. My baby Winn is perfect! He has been the joy of our lives! Also, my siblings and parents are some of the most influential people in my life. I'm so happy that I get to be with them for eternity. And last but not least, my in-laws rock! They are such a wonderful added blessing in our lives and I'm thrilled to call them my family.

Guten Tag

Yesterday the sun was shining and Miles got of work early so we headed to LEAVENWORTH! Have you ever been there? If not, you must put it on your bucket list. It's a cute little Bavarian town in the mountains that is almost identical to a little Dutch Village in the Alps. There are huge beautiful mountains, quaint shops, and yodeling in the background. Too bad little Winn hates being out in the sun (I guess that is what raising him in Seattle has done to him) but Miles and I sure had a blast! He looked a little hungry so we let him taste our sandwich So when I was younger and my ward would come to Leavenworth the "tradition" was to go to the "Hat Shop" and take a picture with all the funny hats, so Miles and I decided to continue that tradition. We also got these cute little blocks at the "Wood Store". It will be fun to paint them! When Miles and I were 14 and in the same ward, the young men went to Leavenworth for a camp out and Miles brought me back a wooden flower and wrote a poem with it. I thought it was cute but what I didn't quite grasp was that he was trying to tell me that he "liked" me. I unfortunately didn't keep it, so he got me another one yesterday and made it very clear that he "liked" me...a lot! :)

LITTLE Memories making a BIG influence

Mark is gone, physically. I have to keep reminding myself because at times it still doesn't seem real. This past week I've been so busy trying to block out the pain and stay strong for my family that I haven't really had time to ponder my relationship with Mark and my own personal feelings of his passing.

Mark and Brooke were married when I was 11 years old. He has been in our family for more than half of my life and is considered a brother to me. When Mark was on his mission, I remember Brooke getting kind of serious with another guy. One night I started crying and told her that I didn't want her to marry him. When she asked why all I could say was, "because he's not Mark." Some of my fondest memories come from when Brooke and Mark would invite me to come stay at their house for a weekend. Mark would always go above and beyond to make it special. I grew up wanting to marry someone like him. I loved how he was so passionate about life and about my sister. They were always so fun to be around because they were best friends and being around them made you want to have what they had. They were always laughing and joking and singing and being silly and wrestling and tickling and talking. Their friendship was contagious. I LOVED how he treated my sister! I don't know if he was pretending or not but he was good at making me feel like he was genuinely interested in my life. He would always ask me about boys or my harp or the sports I was involved in. In fact, well before I was of legal age, he let me drive his car around as he taught me how to drive. I remember one time crying on the couch because my braces on my teeth were hurting so bad, he picked me up and shoved me in his car and we went and got shaved ice to try to help. There were many jamming sessions in the car, mainly to guns n roses but I do remember at times we would belt out to country songs, Les Mis, Wicked, and John Denver. I never dated a boy that Mark didn't approve of. One time I was in a relationship that I was really excited about. When Mark met him he instantly told me he didn't like him, not for any particular reason but just because he didn't give off a good vibe. Not 5 minutes later the relationship was over. When I got to college Mark was always setting me up on dates with guys he though I would like. When my high school boyfriend returned from his mission Mark paid for Brooke and I to stay in Seattle to see if it would work out, against my will. When I left boyfriend-less Mark, Brooke and I had a good time venting that night about how stupid boys are and weren't worth my time. Luckily, Mark approved of and loved Miles. Mark is a man of integrity and depth. I've had sooo many deep conversations with Mark that still impact my everyday decisions. One time I asked him if he ever felt like lying would be the right thing to do. He quickly and bluntly responded with a "no." I made up a couple of different scenarios like, "but what if, by you lying, you would save another persons life?" He continued to say that because of his profession (an attorney) he has prayed about this question a lot. He has come to conclusion that he would never give up his integrity to lie, and that somehow he would always find another way. That conversation meant a lot to me and he is the only one to have given me such a powerful answer. One of my favorite quotes from Mark, says a lot about him. We were driving somewhere when someone cut him off and with complete frustration in his voice he said, "Ugh, the more I study about charity, the stupider people get!"

On June 30, 2011 Mark unexpectedly passed away in his sleep from a brain aneurysm. When I first heard the news my first thought was, "no, no, no, not Mark. Of anyone I know he is the most needed person." He was serving as 1 counselor in the Bishopric, and helping so many through his profession, and not to mention his wife and 5 young kids. The hardest part through all of this has been thinking of my sister Brooke. I can't even pretend I know what she is going through, but I do know that I have been in love and I have started a life with my sweetheart. Losing him would be paralyzing. She, however, has been absolutely incredible during this whole devastation. While there are still times that she wants to just sleep and cry and not be bothered she has remained strong and immovable for her kids and others around her. She continually talks about Mark and their treasurable memories. Last night she even took over as the "family horse" so that all the kids could still have their horsey rides before bed. I know Mark is so proud of Brooke and her strength through all of this. My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ is being strengthened everyday. I believe that families can be together forever, through His plan. I know Brooke and their kids will see him again. I know he is on the other side of the veil watching over each of us. I will personally do what it takes to live my life righteously and to the fullest so that I too can have the promises of the Gospel.

This picture was taken about 3 weeks ago when we went to Brooke and Mark's house for the weekend. These are the new babies with their daddies. Eli is definitely a daddy's boy! Their beautiful family (minus Eli) at my wedding This picture makes me look like a baby, but this is Mark helping out on a memorable hike my family took in Zions one year.

Turning that frown upside down

Today is a little bit of a bummer day. I've been thinking about my family a lot and wish I could be with them. There are quite a few family reunions that are going on and I'm sad I don't get to see some of my cousins. There were 6 new babies born on the McMillan side in the past year, it would have been fun to have us all get our babes together. However, we have been here in Everett for about six weeks and while a couple things have been hard it has also been super fun! I've loved just moving away from my "normal" life and diving into this little adventure away from most things familiar. Life truly is different outside of Utah. There is such a "Utah Culture" that you don't really get anywhere else. Not always a bad thing, but definitely noticeable! I have come to realize just how blessed we were to live in a student ward in Cedar City. The ward here is super friendly and quite big, but there is NOBODY our age. There are some young families but by "young families" I mean already have kids in Jr. High. So my best friend in that ward is Thelma, the 80 year lady that sits by me every week and tells me how cute my baby is (which is clearly why we are best friends :) Therefore, not really connecting with anyone in our ward leads for some pretty lonely days. What I wouldn't give for a girls night out. I will never take having "girl-friends" for granted again! It also doesn't help that it's been raining ever since we got here. There has literally been 4 days of sun. So it just makes it all that much more depressing when I look on facebook and see my friends hanging out with their little ones at the pool while getting a tan. The last thing that has made it a little hard has been the dreaded baby weight. I started to get super motivated to lose all this baby weight especially since Winston LOVED riding in his stroller. I started to jog everyday with him and then I'd finish off with some yoga. Then when Miles got home from work we would all go on a walk or I would go to the gym. I was feeling SO great! I was so sick during the whole pregnancy that I didn't do any exercising. So I was feeling awesome! But I started to notice my milk decreasing. UGH! So I slowed down on the cardio and upped the water, but it was still decreasing. I upped my water in take even more and still...nothing. So for a couple of days I took it super easy and drank tons of water and I was able to get my milk back. It was kind of a scare. The thought of not having enough milk for Winn freaked me out. But now I'm feeling kind of discouraged that I can't work out as much as I wanted to. And I'm not losing any weight :( So, now that I've got that all off my chest and having put all the negative energy out in the air here are a few of my favorite things to be grateful for...

A very happy and healthy baby

That Miles is loving his internship and doing SO well at it

Miles gets home at 3:00 everyday, so I still feel like we can do fun things every day together

My ubber cute apartment

The gospel is the same no matter where I go in the world

The reason Seattle is so beautiful is because it rains so much, so I guess I'm grateful for the rain

I love living so close to downtown Seattle!

The racquetball court, swimming pool, and gym at our apt complex

The lake across the street

My new bedspread that I got for my anniversary (still working on getting more pillows)

2 years BABY!

June 20, 2009 was a windy day in Denver Colorado. I remember it being a little overcast and a bit chilly. However the only thing on my mind was my handsome new husband! I loved everything about my wedding (with the exception of my hair, it didn't work right in the wind and I never really got a good picture). It was small but special. We had our immediate family all come out to Denver and a couple uncles, aunts, and cousins were generous enough to come as well. We didn't have a reception because my parents were still serving as mission presidents and couldn't leave Colorado, but we did have a nice little open house in Utah a few weeks later. My colors were "lemon yellow" and "lime green" which are still my favorite colors, but I thought it made for a fun summer feel. My cake was made by my brother-in-law and I LOVED it! It was completely his design and creation...totally awesome. My mom and the senior missionary couples in the mission did all the food. DELICIOUS! The night before the wedding we all sat down in a big circle and my family "warned" Miles and about me and his family "warned" me about him. We talked and laughed into the late hours. It was sooo enjoyable and a wonderful celebration. After the talking we gathered in close and Miles and I each got a father's blessing. It was such a special time for me to be able to transition from my father as the priesthood holder in my life to my new husband as my priesthood holder. It was a wonderful way to start out eternity with him. The Temple ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I LOVE the temple. Afterward was a yummy lunch where we talked and opened presents. Then my new Husband whisked me away to Telluride, CO for an awesome honeymoon!

Now two years and a baby later I couldn't imagine my life being any better. Miles is literally my best friend. We have been through the best of times and the worst of times (which, even then haven't been all that bad). For our two year celebration we went out to eat at The Melting Pot! SOOOO yuumy! Fondue is very romantic! I was very grateful to my in-laws for watching Winn. At dinner we were talking about some of our highest of highs and lowest of lows. All of which I have been so grateful for. We have grown 10 million times closer because of everything we've gone through. I'm so happy with how my life has turned out. If you were to ask me 5 years ago what my ideal life would be 5 years from then, I don't think I could have conjured up a dream like this. Miles has provided a life for Winston and I that is perfect. He is a real man and marrying him was the absolute best thing I could have EVER done. I admire so many things about him. Like his dedication to his school work. He has been presented with two really amazing awards this past year as the top business student which has also lead him to receive a full-ride scholarship for next year. Miles is also the biggest support when it comes to helping me accomplish my goals. He is always saying how proud and impressed he is by me and asking how he can help me accomplish where I want to go, helping me know that he will do what needs to happen to make my dreams reality. I couldn't ask for a better partner. I am also so impressed by his work ethic. Whatever he does, he does the best of his ability. By him working so hard, he has made it possible for me to stay at home with our little baby. He let's me have my dream job of a stay at home mom. Also, nobody can make me laugh like Miles does. That was one of the first things that made me fall in love with him...his sense of humor. He is so witty and clever and sometimes my face aches when I'm around him because I'm laughing so much. Last but not least he is a man of God. I see his true desire to learn more about and become like the Savior. He honors his priesthood and by so doing he becomes the husband and father that the Lord sees in him. What an incredible two years this has been. Life is meant to be lived with this man, to eternity and beyond :)

Thank Goodness for My Crying Baby!

Yesterday I was SOOO tired! I was tired of no sleep, tired of my breasts being sore, tired of feeling fat, tired of staying home all day, tired of the rain, tired of my baby crying, tired of the book I was reading, tired of trying to eat healthy, tired of Miles being at work....just plain tired, to say the least. So because I was in no mood to cook dinner we went out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant around the corner. I was expecting it to be a nice get away and relaxation but with a very fussy baby it turned out to be the opposite. We were just trying to hurry and finish our meal so we could get Winston home when I saw this lady walking very fast toward our table. I thought, "Oh no, she's going to tell us that she is trying to enjoy her meal and that our crying baby was disturbing her." When she approached she was crying. She said, "I'm so sorry to bother you but I just want to let you know that I miss this sound so much! I was just sitting over there and was enjoying your baby so much. Don't you worry one bit that he is crying, just enjoy it while you can." This wonderful women was obviously going through some sort of treatment for her cancer. She stood there for a minute looking at Winn and crying when her two little boys came over. She had them look at Winn and they tried to help calm him down. Although he didn't calm down, Miles and I did. She continued to tell us that her baby was turning five and that she missed this little baby cry. She was in a hurry to leave because she didn't want to "bother" us, but the truth is that she changed my whole outlook. I try very hard to be grateful for every stage in not only my life, but especially Winn's. But today I needed that reminder. He will grow out of even his little baby cry and I will miss it. This beautiful women was heaven sent, and from today on "I will be grateful for even the fleas." (As would Cori Ten Boom say in "The Hiding Place").

For a brief moment (for that was all I could handle) I put myself in her shoes. Now, I don't really know what she is going through, but what if I had cancer and I knew I was going to die. My heart absolutley breaks at the thought of not being able to raise my baby. I want to be here for him, with him. I'm not going to lie, my absolute biggest fear is losing my husband or baby to death. Life is meant to be lived in love with them. But the thought of me passing on is an almost unbearable thought. I'm so grateful for my family and for the new light they have brought into my life and from today on I'm going to treasure and secure that just a little more. Thank goodness for my crying baby!

MOOOOO

Breastfeeding is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done! I feel like nobody warned me of the HUGE emotional roller coaster that comes along with it! I don't know, maybe it just comes easier for others, but Winston is 2 1/2 months and I still feel like I don't have a clue. Maybe it's so hard because I almost feel like there is no other way...i HAVE to give my baby breast milk. So I am writing this post just in case there are others out there who struggle just as much as I have with breastfeeding. This is what I have been doing thus far...

When Winn was first born I was expecting it to be challenging at first but if I did everything "right" then I would be just fine after a week or so. NOPE, WRONG-O! After the first week I was this close to really giving up! It hurt SO bad that I thought, "bring on the formula!" I was not only cracked and bleeding but I was scabbing! In the breastfeeding class we took when I was pregnant I was told to nurse for 30 min on one side every feeding. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It hurt so bad! I just remember, every time he latched on I would cringe and tell myself, "do NOT swear in front of the baby, do NOT swear in front of the baby," and I don't even have a potty mouth. So finally, after half of my skin was hanging off of me after a feeding I called the lactation specialist in total hysterical tears saying that I just couldn't nurse anymore. She graciously came over to my house to see how she could help. To my surprise she validated me in every way needed! She told Miles that he can't even imagine how much pain I was in and that if he understood he would be crying just as hard, if not harder. I didn't realize how liberating it was just to have someone there who understood. Anyway, then she gave me a shield to use while I healed. The pain went from a total 10.5 down to a 3. *Sigh of relief* Although Winston had a great latch and even though I used Lanolin like it was going out of style, the main problem was that he needed the under skin of his tongue clipped. He couldn't suck right because his tongue was too short. She said after getting that clipped (a simple procedure that took two seconds and he didn't notice a thing), things should start to shape up.

Wrong again. I just couldn't go back to nursing without the shield. I honestly was TOO traumatized. Every time I tried I would remember the feeling and I just couldn't do it. So, as a mother, what do I do...feel completely guilty. Why can't I just feed my own child? Millions of women do it every day, why was it SO hard for me? So I continued to use the shield but something still wasn't right. He would never stop eating, even after the 30 min he would cry if he couldn't eat more. So I would try to just keep feeding him, but he just kept crying after I unlatched him. As the guilt would settle in again I would wonder if it was something I was eating that made his stomach hurt. I couldn't seem to pin point it. So finally I decide to pump and see how much milk I was getting, even though I was told to not give them a bottle until they were at least 4 weeks old. Winn was 3 weeks. Turns out that after thirty min of pumping i was completely dry after ten min and I only got 1 oz out of each side...the boy was still hungry!

Needless to say, I am now pumping full time and here is why...First, I know how much he is getting and I know for sure that if he cries after, it's not because he is still hungry. This boy's best friend is his binki and could suck for days, so I never really knew when he was done eating. But, now that I know how much he eats, I know if he is still hungry or if he just wants to suck. Next, now Dad can have some more bonding time. Miles LOVES feeding Winn and it is helpful to me to have Miles help. The other day Miles went to his little brothers football game with Winn and he could just take a bottle with him and I had the whole morning to run a bunch of errands. Feeding him in public isn't embarrassing or awkward...I can just give him a bottle. Miles and I will take turns doing the night feedings which is super nice because then we alternate getting a good nights rest. The only thing that is hard is when I hear the importance of skin-to-skin contact. So every now and then I'll lay him on my chest and we will take a nap together, or I always make sure I'm holding his hand or touching his cheek while I feed him. It's also a pain to have to carry a pump everywhere. If we go to my in-laws for the evening I have to pack up the pump and step away in the bathroom to pump, which can be a little annoying.

Holy Cow! This is a super long post, but I just had to get it out there. I don't know what was harder, the physical pain of breastfeeding or being so blindsided by just how hard it actually was. So, by writing this, I hope it helps or provides hope for someone else who just might be struggling as much as I was. Every once in a while Winston will stop eating, look up at me, and give me the biggest smile his little face can bear and he seems to be saying, "thank you mom for all that do for me. I know its hard and I know that you try your best. I know that you only want what's best for me. Thank you for this yummy and healthy milk. I love you." It's amazing how one little smile wipes away the fear, doubts, insecurities and worries and I can keep going, enduring to the end with a heart overflowing in gratitude for this new heaven sent angel in my life.