Thank Goodness for My Crying Baby!

Yesterday I was SOOO tired! I was tired of no sleep, tired of my breasts being sore, tired of feeling fat, tired of staying home all day, tired of the rain, tired of my baby crying, tired of the book I was reading, tired of trying to eat healthy, tired of Miles being at work....just plain tired, to say the least. So because I was in no mood to cook dinner we went out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant around the corner. I was expecting it to be a nice get away and relaxation but with a very fussy baby it turned out to be the opposite. We were just trying to hurry and finish our meal so we could get Winston home when I saw this lady walking very fast toward our table. I thought, "Oh no, she's going to tell us that she is trying to enjoy her meal and that our crying baby was disturbing her." When she approached she was crying. She said, "I'm so sorry to bother you but I just want to let you know that I miss this sound so much! I was just sitting over there and was enjoying your baby so much. Don't you worry one bit that he is crying, just enjoy it while you can." This wonderful women was obviously going through some sort of treatment for her cancer. She stood there for a minute looking at Winn and crying when her two little boys came over. She had them look at Winn and they tried to help calm him down. Although he didn't calm down, Miles and I did. She continued to tell us that her baby was turning five and that she missed this little baby cry. She was in a hurry to leave because she didn't want to "bother" us, but the truth is that she changed my whole outlook. I try very hard to be grateful for every stage in not only my life, but especially Winn's. But today I needed that reminder. He will grow out of even his little baby cry and I will miss it. This beautiful women was heaven sent, and from today on "I will be grateful for even the fleas." (As would Cori Ten Boom say in "The Hiding Place").

For a brief moment (for that was all I could handle) I put myself in her shoes. Now, I don't really know what she is going through, but what if I had cancer and I knew I was going to die. My heart absolutley breaks at the thought of not being able to raise my baby. I want to be here for him, with him. I'm not going to lie, my absolute biggest fear is losing my husband or baby to death. Life is meant to be lived in love with them. But the thought of me passing on is an almost unbearable thought. I'm so grateful for my family and for the new light they have brought into my life and from today on I'm going to treasure and secure that just a little more. Thank goodness for my crying baby!

MOOOOO

Breastfeeding is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done! I feel like nobody warned me of the HUGE emotional roller coaster that comes along with it! I don't know, maybe it just comes easier for others, but Winston is 2 1/2 months and I still feel like I don't have a clue. Maybe it's so hard because I almost feel like there is no other way...i HAVE to give my baby breast milk. So I am writing this post just in case there are others out there who struggle just as much as I have with breastfeeding. This is what I have been doing thus far...

When Winn was first born I was expecting it to be challenging at first but if I did everything "right" then I would be just fine after a week or so. NOPE, WRONG-O! After the first week I was this close to really giving up! It hurt SO bad that I thought, "bring on the formula!" I was not only cracked and bleeding but I was scabbing! In the breastfeeding class we took when I was pregnant I was told to nurse for 30 min on one side every feeding. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It hurt so bad! I just remember, every time he latched on I would cringe and tell myself, "do NOT swear in front of the baby, do NOT swear in front of the baby," and I don't even have a potty mouth. So finally, after half of my skin was hanging off of me after a feeding I called the lactation specialist in total hysterical tears saying that I just couldn't nurse anymore. She graciously came over to my house to see how she could help. To my surprise she validated me in every way needed! She told Miles that he can't even imagine how much pain I was in and that if he understood he would be crying just as hard, if not harder. I didn't realize how liberating it was just to have someone there who understood. Anyway, then she gave me a shield to use while I healed. The pain went from a total 10.5 down to a 3. *Sigh of relief* Although Winston had a great latch and even though I used Lanolin like it was going out of style, the main problem was that he needed the under skin of his tongue clipped. He couldn't suck right because his tongue was too short. She said after getting that clipped (a simple procedure that took two seconds and he didn't notice a thing), things should start to shape up.

Wrong again. I just couldn't go back to nursing without the shield. I honestly was TOO traumatized. Every time I tried I would remember the feeling and I just couldn't do it. So, as a mother, what do I do...feel completely guilty. Why can't I just feed my own child? Millions of women do it every day, why was it SO hard for me? So I continued to use the shield but something still wasn't right. He would never stop eating, even after the 30 min he would cry if he couldn't eat more. So I would try to just keep feeding him, but he just kept crying after I unlatched him. As the guilt would settle in again I would wonder if it was something I was eating that made his stomach hurt. I couldn't seem to pin point it. So finally I decide to pump and see how much milk I was getting, even though I was told to not give them a bottle until they were at least 4 weeks old. Winn was 3 weeks. Turns out that after thirty min of pumping i was completely dry after ten min and I only got 1 oz out of each side...the boy was still hungry!

Needless to say, I am now pumping full time and here is why...First, I know how much he is getting and I know for sure that if he cries after, it's not because he is still hungry. This boy's best friend is his binki and could suck for days, so I never really knew when he was done eating. But, now that I know how much he eats, I know if he is still hungry or if he just wants to suck. Next, now Dad can have some more bonding time. Miles LOVES feeding Winn and it is helpful to me to have Miles help. The other day Miles went to his little brothers football game with Winn and he could just take a bottle with him and I had the whole morning to run a bunch of errands. Feeding him in public isn't embarrassing or awkward...I can just give him a bottle. Miles and I will take turns doing the night feedings which is super nice because then we alternate getting a good nights rest. The only thing that is hard is when I hear the importance of skin-to-skin contact. So every now and then I'll lay him on my chest and we will take a nap together, or I always make sure I'm holding his hand or touching his cheek while I feed him. It's also a pain to have to carry a pump everywhere. If we go to my in-laws for the evening I have to pack up the pump and step away in the bathroom to pump, which can be a little annoying.

Holy Cow! This is a super long post, but I just had to get it out there. I don't know what was harder, the physical pain of breastfeeding or being so blindsided by just how hard it actually was. So, by writing this, I hope it helps or provides hope for someone else who just might be struggling as much as I was. Every once in a while Winston will stop eating, look up at me, and give me the biggest smile his little face can bear and he seems to be saying, "thank you mom for all that do for me. I know its hard and I know that you try your best. I know that you only want what's best for me. Thank you for this yummy and healthy milk. I love you." It's amazing how one little smile wipes away the fear, doubts, insecurities and worries and I can keep going, enduring to the end with a heart overflowing in gratitude for this new heaven sent angel in my life.

Breaking the Barriers of a Black Hole

This is the time of year that I used to always dread. Mainly because, as a collage student, it seemed like everyone and their dog left to do fun things for the summer and I was always stuck in Cedar City - the black hole of my life. But not this year PEOPLE! Miles and I have broke free and have moved to SEATTLE!!! Although we will be returning to Cedar for Miles to finish school we are SOOO excited for this little adventure our family has embarked on! Our ubber cute apartment is 2 min to the lake, 6 minutes from Miles' work, 30 min to his parents, 30 min from downtown, 30 min to the coast, and a stones throw away from WinCo and Cold Stone! Yipee! Paradise I tell you!

We have been here for 1 week and we have already toured the city, explored IKEA and Frys, had a picnic at Quest Field (Seahawks Stadium, Miles lives and breaths anything Seahawk), been to the Premium Outlets, spent the day downtown, and visited family. There is SO much to do here, I hope we can fit it all in this summer! There are a couple of things that I HAVE to do before I return:

Lots of hikes at Mt. Rainier,

visit the coast,

fairy ride to the islands,

eat at the Space Needle,

visit Levenworth,

visit old friends,

and maybe even fit in a trip to Forks...(just kidding, I don't really care about silly vampire stories).

As far as the beeb...we are doing well. Winn and I are getting used to our new life. Being a stay at home mom is not exactly what I thought it was going to be like...well, I don't know what I thought it was going to be, but I like it. I feel like I'm always learning new things and I never really get the hang of anything. But that's ok, because he really is a perfect baby! He hardly cries and only makes a peep when he's hungry or tired. I love being his mommy and spending every moment with him. I have become fluent in "cooing," have a constant smell of milk that continually lingers, forgot the feeling of being well-rested and I'm pretty sure I'll never lose this baby weight. Having said that I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm glad to have my Miles to roll with the punches with. I feel like as long as I'm with him, we can conquer it all...and we will! Our life may not have it all together but together we have it all. (cheezy, I know, but true it is). Peace Out!

Thoughts on Motherhood

I used to think that the happiest I had ever been was when I was loving the deepest I had ever loved, and that was when I lived in Ecuador working in the orphanages. Because of that experience I felt that my true calling or mission in life was orphanage work because I had never felt so happy or complete. I pursued those dreams for many years trying to accomplish what I "knew" to be who I really was. At one point I was even willing to jeopardize getting married and having my own family because of how strong I felt about "being and influence" and "changing the world." But now, as I hold my baby boy I feel more powerful then I could have ever dreamed. Feeling the power of his spirit I feel that by being his mother I will change the world. By bringing him here and raising him in righteousness, teaching him of the power that he can have through Christ...is the "influence" and "change" I will make. I now feel like I know who I really am because of my little baby. Motherhood has brought a new view to life, a new resolution to become better and more like Christ, a deeper desire to serve others, and new sense of who I really am and the greater power I have. I know that Winston is already changing the world, one diaper at a time. Ha Ha

When becoming a mother there are two things that I have absolutely needed...1.) My own mother and 2.) Miles. First, it's amazing how much you need your mommy when you become one. Luckily, mine lives in the same town. She is the best person alive when it comes to service. She knows exactly what is helpful and how she is needed. What a perfect example to have as a "mother." Second, Miles has been the CUTEST dad in the whole world! I didn't change a diaper for the first 2 weeks of Winn's life. When Miles went back to work I changed my first diaper (which happened to be a blow-out, of course). I know that Miles is such an amazing father because he is an amazing Husband. One of my favorite quotes says something like, "the best way to show your love for your children, is to love their mother." Miles is superb at this. He is incredibly loving and understanding and fun and on and on and on. I love seeing his love for Winn. I married a true man! It just makes me so excited for our life together and there is nothing I want more then to be with them for eternity. Thank goodness that "families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan."

Winston Miles Wells

Winston Miles Wells joined our family on March 10th at 11:20am at a whopping 8 lbs 3 oz and 20 inches long. He is absolutely perfect in every way and I'm SO in love! Now you may be wondering about the name...? I know the first thought that probably comes to your head is "Winston Churchill?" Well, although it's not a bad thing to be named after him, that isn't exactly what we had in mind. Winn is a family name on both sides! It is my Grandma LeNae's maiden name and my little brothers middle name, and Miles' Grandmothers nickname (Winifred.) We LOVE the name Winn and that's what we've been calling him, HOWEVER, with a one syllable last name, I wanted a two syllable first name...hence...Winston! I also think that the first boy should be named after his father, and "Miles" is a good strong name anyway!

The two LOVES OF MY LIFE

The Experience...(Readers Discretion Advised) haha

A couple of people have been asking me about the experience and while I'm still slightly traumatized...here it is. I was scheduled to be induced at midnight on Thursday morning. I got there and was only measuring a 1+ (for those who don't know what that means...lets just say you have to be a 10 before you can push the baby out). So they gave me a pill to get me started and Miles and I slept until 8 the next morning. By that time contractions were starting to get really painful. My mid-wife, Laurie, came in at about 9:30 and I only progressed to a 2...no good. It was going to be a long day, but in my mind I was going to get an epidural, so it was ok! (Little did I know dot dot dot) So, she stripped my membranes and broke my water and turned my world upside down. Not a moment passed before the contractions were almost unbearable. They were coming every two minuets and the intensity was INSANE. I was NOT mentally prepared for pain that quick and intense! So they tried to get me in a tub to try to relieve it a little but by this time the contractions were so close I didn't have time to move. 20 min after she broke my water I was a 5! By this time there wasn't a break in between contractions, they were coming one right after another. So they called for the epidural, and boy did he take his sweet time! By the time he got there and put in the epidural in, I was measuring at a 10! Needless to say the epidural did not kick in until AFTER the baby and AFTER the wretched stitches. I will never forget however, the first sight of my baby boy. I just wanted to hold him and never let him go, and protect him from any harm, physically and spiritually. That was also the first time I have ever seen Miles get emotional. What a fabulous new chapter in our lives! What a physically and emotionally draining experience! And yet, I feel better then I have ever felt, happier then I've ever been!