Turning that frown upside down

Today is a little bit of a bummer day. I've been thinking about my family a lot and wish I could be with them. There are quite a few family reunions that are going on and I'm sad I don't get to see some of my cousins. There were 6 new babies born on the McMillan side in the past year, it would have been fun to have us all get our babes together. However, we have been here in Everett for about six weeks and while a couple things have been hard it has also been super fun! I've loved just moving away from my "normal" life and diving into this little adventure away from most things familiar. Life truly is different outside of Utah. There is such a "Utah Culture" that you don't really get anywhere else. Not always a bad thing, but definitely noticeable! I have come to realize just how blessed we were to live in a student ward in Cedar City. The ward here is super friendly and quite big, but there is NOBODY our age. There are some young families but by "young families" I mean already have kids in Jr. High. So my best friend in that ward is Thelma, the 80 year lady that sits by me every week and tells me how cute my baby is (which is clearly why we are best friends :) Therefore, not really connecting with anyone in our ward leads for some pretty lonely days. What I wouldn't give for a girls night out. I will never take having "girl-friends" for granted again! It also doesn't help that it's been raining ever since we got here. There has literally been 4 days of sun. So it just makes it all that much more depressing when I look on facebook and see my friends hanging out with their little ones at the pool while getting a tan. The last thing that has made it a little hard has been the dreaded baby weight. I started to get super motivated to lose all this baby weight especially since Winston LOVED riding in his stroller. I started to jog everyday with him and then I'd finish off with some yoga. Then when Miles got home from work we would all go on a walk or I would go to the gym. I was feeling SO great! I was so sick during the whole pregnancy that I didn't do any exercising. So I was feeling awesome! But I started to notice my milk decreasing. UGH! So I slowed down on the cardio and upped the water, but it was still decreasing. I upped my water in take even more and still...nothing. So for a couple of days I took it super easy and drank tons of water and I was able to get my milk back. It was kind of a scare. The thought of not having enough milk for Winn freaked me out. But now I'm feeling kind of discouraged that I can't work out as much as I wanted to. And I'm not losing any weight :( So, now that I've got that all off my chest and having put all the negative energy out in the air here are a few of my favorite things to be grateful for...

A very happy and healthy baby

That Miles is loving his internship and doing SO well at it

Miles gets home at 3:00 everyday, so I still feel like we can do fun things every day together

My ubber cute apartment

The gospel is the same no matter where I go in the world

The reason Seattle is so beautiful is because it rains so much, so I guess I'm grateful for the rain

I love living so close to downtown Seattle!

The racquetball court, swimming pool, and gym at our apt complex

The lake across the street

My new bedspread that I got for my anniversary (still working on getting more pillows)

2 years BABY!

June 20, 2009 was a windy day in Denver Colorado. I remember it being a little overcast and a bit chilly. However the only thing on my mind was my handsome new husband! I loved everything about my wedding (with the exception of my hair, it didn't work right in the wind and I never really got a good picture). It was small but special. We had our immediate family all come out to Denver and a couple uncles, aunts, and cousins were generous enough to come as well. We didn't have a reception because my parents were still serving as mission presidents and couldn't leave Colorado, but we did have a nice little open house in Utah a few weeks later. My colors were "lemon yellow" and "lime green" which are still my favorite colors, but I thought it made for a fun summer feel. My cake was made by my brother-in-law and I LOVED it! It was completely his design and creation...totally awesome. My mom and the senior missionary couples in the mission did all the food. DELICIOUS! The night before the wedding we all sat down in a big circle and my family "warned" Miles and about me and his family "warned" me about him. We talked and laughed into the late hours. It was sooo enjoyable and a wonderful celebration. After the talking we gathered in close and Miles and I each got a father's blessing. It was such a special time for me to be able to transition from my father as the priesthood holder in my life to my new husband as my priesthood holder. It was a wonderful way to start out eternity with him. The Temple ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I LOVE the temple. Afterward was a yummy lunch where we talked and opened presents. Then my new Husband whisked me away to Telluride, CO for an awesome honeymoon!

Now two years and a baby later I couldn't imagine my life being any better. Miles is literally my best friend. We have been through the best of times and the worst of times (which, even then haven't been all that bad). For our two year celebration we went out to eat at The Melting Pot! SOOOO yuumy! Fondue is very romantic! I was very grateful to my in-laws for watching Winn. At dinner we were talking about some of our highest of highs and lowest of lows. All of which I have been so grateful for. We have grown 10 million times closer because of everything we've gone through. I'm so happy with how my life has turned out. If you were to ask me 5 years ago what my ideal life would be 5 years from then, I don't think I could have conjured up a dream like this. Miles has provided a life for Winston and I that is perfect. He is a real man and marrying him was the absolute best thing I could have EVER done. I admire so many things about him. Like his dedication to his school work. He has been presented with two really amazing awards this past year as the top business student which has also lead him to receive a full-ride scholarship for next year. Miles is also the biggest support when it comes to helping me accomplish my goals. He is always saying how proud and impressed he is by me and asking how he can help me accomplish where I want to go, helping me know that he will do what needs to happen to make my dreams reality. I couldn't ask for a better partner. I am also so impressed by his work ethic. Whatever he does, he does the best of his ability. By him working so hard, he has made it possible for me to stay at home with our little baby. He let's me have my dream job of a stay at home mom. Also, nobody can make me laugh like Miles does. That was one of the first things that made me fall in love with him...his sense of humor. He is so witty and clever and sometimes my face aches when I'm around him because I'm laughing so much. Last but not least he is a man of God. I see his true desire to learn more about and become like the Savior. He honors his priesthood and by so doing he becomes the husband and father that the Lord sees in him. What an incredible two years this has been. Life is meant to be lived with this man, to eternity and beyond :)

Thank Goodness for My Crying Baby!

Yesterday I was SOOO tired! I was tired of no sleep, tired of my breasts being sore, tired of feeling fat, tired of staying home all day, tired of the rain, tired of my baby crying, tired of the book I was reading, tired of trying to eat healthy, tired of Miles being at work....just plain tired, to say the least. So because I was in no mood to cook dinner we went out to eat at a Mexican Restaurant around the corner. I was expecting it to be a nice get away and relaxation but with a very fussy baby it turned out to be the opposite. We were just trying to hurry and finish our meal so we could get Winston home when I saw this lady walking very fast toward our table. I thought, "Oh no, she's going to tell us that she is trying to enjoy her meal and that our crying baby was disturbing her." When she approached she was crying. She said, "I'm so sorry to bother you but I just want to let you know that I miss this sound so much! I was just sitting over there and was enjoying your baby so much. Don't you worry one bit that he is crying, just enjoy it while you can." This wonderful women was obviously going through some sort of treatment for her cancer. She stood there for a minute looking at Winn and crying when her two little boys came over. She had them look at Winn and they tried to help calm him down. Although he didn't calm down, Miles and I did. She continued to tell us that her baby was turning five and that she missed this little baby cry. She was in a hurry to leave because she didn't want to "bother" us, but the truth is that she changed my whole outlook. I try very hard to be grateful for every stage in not only my life, but especially Winn's. But today I needed that reminder. He will grow out of even his little baby cry and I will miss it. This beautiful women was heaven sent, and from today on "I will be grateful for even the fleas." (As would Cori Ten Boom say in "The Hiding Place").

For a brief moment (for that was all I could handle) I put myself in her shoes. Now, I don't really know what she is going through, but what if I had cancer and I knew I was going to die. My heart absolutley breaks at the thought of not being able to raise my baby. I want to be here for him, with him. I'm not going to lie, my absolute biggest fear is losing my husband or baby to death. Life is meant to be lived in love with them. But the thought of me passing on is an almost unbearable thought. I'm so grateful for my family and for the new light they have brought into my life and from today on I'm going to treasure and secure that just a little more. Thank goodness for my crying baby!

MOOOOO

Breastfeeding is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done! I feel like nobody warned me of the HUGE emotional roller coaster that comes along with it! I don't know, maybe it just comes easier for others, but Winston is 2 1/2 months and I still feel like I don't have a clue. Maybe it's so hard because I almost feel like there is no other way...i HAVE to give my baby breast milk. So I am writing this post just in case there are others out there who struggle just as much as I have with breastfeeding. This is what I have been doing thus far...

When Winn was first born I was expecting it to be challenging at first but if I did everything "right" then I would be just fine after a week or so. NOPE, WRONG-O! After the first week I was this close to really giving up! It hurt SO bad that I thought, "bring on the formula!" I was not only cracked and bleeding but I was scabbing! In the breastfeeding class we took when I was pregnant I was told to nurse for 30 min on one side every feeding. I just couldn't handle it anymore. It hurt so bad! I just remember, every time he latched on I would cringe and tell myself, "do NOT swear in front of the baby, do NOT swear in front of the baby," and I don't even have a potty mouth. So finally, after half of my skin was hanging off of me after a feeding I called the lactation specialist in total hysterical tears saying that I just couldn't nurse anymore. She graciously came over to my house to see how she could help. To my surprise she validated me in every way needed! She told Miles that he can't even imagine how much pain I was in and that if he understood he would be crying just as hard, if not harder. I didn't realize how liberating it was just to have someone there who understood. Anyway, then she gave me a shield to use while I healed. The pain went from a total 10.5 down to a 3. *Sigh of relief* Although Winston had a great latch and even though I used Lanolin like it was going out of style, the main problem was that he needed the under skin of his tongue clipped. He couldn't suck right because his tongue was too short. She said after getting that clipped (a simple procedure that took two seconds and he didn't notice a thing), things should start to shape up.

Wrong again. I just couldn't go back to nursing without the shield. I honestly was TOO traumatized. Every time I tried I would remember the feeling and I just couldn't do it. So, as a mother, what do I do...feel completely guilty. Why can't I just feed my own child? Millions of women do it every day, why was it SO hard for me? So I continued to use the shield but something still wasn't right. He would never stop eating, even after the 30 min he would cry if he couldn't eat more. So I would try to just keep feeding him, but he just kept crying after I unlatched him. As the guilt would settle in again I would wonder if it was something I was eating that made his stomach hurt. I couldn't seem to pin point it. So finally I decide to pump and see how much milk I was getting, even though I was told to not give them a bottle until they were at least 4 weeks old. Winn was 3 weeks. Turns out that after thirty min of pumping i was completely dry after ten min and I only got 1 oz out of each side...the boy was still hungry!

Needless to say, I am now pumping full time and here is why...First, I know how much he is getting and I know for sure that if he cries after, it's not because he is still hungry. This boy's best friend is his binki and could suck for days, so I never really knew when he was done eating. But, now that I know how much he eats, I know if he is still hungry or if he just wants to suck. Next, now Dad can have some more bonding time. Miles LOVES feeding Winn and it is helpful to me to have Miles help. The other day Miles went to his little brothers football game with Winn and he could just take a bottle with him and I had the whole morning to run a bunch of errands. Feeding him in public isn't embarrassing or awkward...I can just give him a bottle. Miles and I will take turns doing the night feedings which is super nice because then we alternate getting a good nights rest. The only thing that is hard is when I hear the importance of skin-to-skin contact. So every now and then I'll lay him on my chest and we will take a nap together, or I always make sure I'm holding his hand or touching his cheek while I feed him. It's also a pain to have to carry a pump everywhere. If we go to my in-laws for the evening I have to pack up the pump and step away in the bathroom to pump, which can be a little annoying.

Holy Cow! This is a super long post, but I just had to get it out there. I don't know what was harder, the physical pain of breastfeeding or being so blindsided by just how hard it actually was. So, by writing this, I hope it helps or provides hope for someone else who just might be struggling as much as I was. Every once in a while Winston will stop eating, look up at me, and give me the biggest smile his little face can bear and he seems to be saying, "thank you mom for all that do for me. I know its hard and I know that you try your best. I know that you only want what's best for me. Thank you for this yummy and healthy milk. I love you." It's amazing how one little smile wipes away the fear, doubts, insecurities and worries and I can keep going, enduring to the end with a heart overflowing in gratitude for this new heaven sent angel in my life.

Breaking the Barriers of a Black Hole

This is the time of year that I used to always dread. Mainly because, as a collage student, it seemed like everyone and their dog left to do fun things for the summer and I was always stuck in Cedar City - the black hole of my life. But not this year PEOPLE! Miles and I have broke free and have moved to SEATTLE!!! Although we will be returning to Cedar for Miles to finish school we are SOOO excited for this little adventure our family has embarked on! Our ubber cute apartment is 2 min to the lake, 6 minutes from Miles' work, 30 min to his parents, 30 min from downtown, 30 min to the coast, and a stones throw away from WinCo and Cold Stone! Yipee! Paradise I tell you!

We have been here for 1 week and we have already toured the city, explored IKEA and Frys, had a picnic at Quest Field (Seahawks Stadium, Miles lives and breaths anything Seahawk), been to the Premium Outlets, spent the day downtown, and visited family. There is SO much to do here, I hope we can fit it all in this summer! There are a couple of things that I HAVE to do before I return:

Lots of hikes at Mt. Rainier,

visit the coast,

fairy ride to the islands,

eat at the Space Needle,

visit Levenworth,

visit old friends,

and maybe even fit in a trip to Forks...(just kidding, I don't really care about silly vampire stories).

As far as the beeb...we are doing well. Winn and I are getting used to our new life. Being a stay at home mom is not exactly what I thought it was going to be like...well, I don't know what I thought it was going to be, but I like it. I feel like I'm always learning new things and I never really get the hang of anything. But that's ok, because he really is a perfect baby! He hardly cries and only makes a peep when he's hungry or tired. I love being his mommy and spending every moment with him. I have become fluent in "cooing," have a constant smell of milk that continually lingers, forgot the feeling of being well-rested and I'm pretty sure I'll never lose this baby weight. Having said that I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm glad to have my Miles to roll with the punches with. I feel like as long as I'm with him, we can conquer it all...and we will! Our life may not have it all together but together we have it all. (cheezy, I know, but true it is). Peace Out!